Very Private Lives

(With Sincere Apologies to "The Master")

Michael Fulvio, Kathleen Wallace, and Moses Villarama-Photo by Gregg Leblanc

THE LADIES LOUNGE OF A HOTEL BALLROOM.  CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND. THERE IS A SUDDEN POUNDING ON THE DOOR.

 

ELYOT (OFF)

Amanda! (MORE KNOCKING) Amanda! I know you’re in there!  (MORE KNOCKING) OK, I hope you’re alone, ‘cause I’m coming in!

 

ELYOT ENTERS. HE IS DRESSED FOR A FORMAL EVENT, BUT CURRENTLY LOOKS A LITTLE WORSE FOR WEAR. HIS HAIR IS ASKEW AND THERE IS A WET DINNER NAPKIN WRAPPED AROUND HIS RIGHT HAND AS A MAKESHIFT BANDAGE OF SORTS. HE LOOKS AROUND AND NOTICES THE CLOSED STALL. HE KNOCKS LOUDLY, AND IS SUDDENLY REMINDED OF HIS INJURED HAND.

ELYOT

Look, I know you’re in here….

AMANDA

 (FROM THE STALL)

Go away Elyot! This is the ladies room….

ELYOT

I’m aware. I can read. But if you think that’s going to stop me, you are dead wrong! I’m going to lock that door and sit right here until you come out and start explaining yourself.

 

HE BOLTS THE DOOR AND PLANTS HIMSELF ON A VANITY STOOL EFFECTIVLY BLOCKING ENTRANCE FROM OUTSIDE AND ANY SUDDEN EXIT FROM THE STALL.

AMANDA (STILL INSIDE)

I have nothing to explain! If you hadn’t shown up this wouldn’t have happened.

 

ELYOT

I was invited! By you!

AMANDA

I thought you’d send a card-maybe a nice gift. I didn’t expect you to actually COME.

 

ELYOT

Oh, I’m sorry I must have taken that “Requests the pleasure of your company” part literally!

AMANDA STORMS OUT OF THE STALL. SHE IS DRESSED IN A WHITE COCKTAIL DRESS AND IS CARRYING A BATTERED BOUQUET. SHE MAKES FOR THE DOOR, BUT ELYOT CUTS HER OFF. THERE IS A BRIEF FACE OFF BEFORE SHE COLLECTS HERSELF AND BEGINS TO RIGHT HER MAKE UP AT THE VANITY

 

AMANDA

That was always your problem, Elyot. You take everything literally! You have no appreciation or understanding of subtext.

 

 

 

ELYOT

If you mean that  “double talk” that you and the rest of your crazy family call  “dinner conversation” then no, you’re right. I don’t understand or appreciate it. Forgive me for my innocence, but I think people should say what they think or just not talk at all.

 

AMANDA

And yet it NEVER occurs to you to actually take the latter option. It all just comes pouring out like some sort of verbal…diarrhea!

ELYOT

Hey, I didn’t SAY anything to him; I didn’t have the chance. He just walked over and took a swing at me!  Now, call me crazy, but since I have never met the man I can only assume that you might have had something to do with that somewhat abrupt salutation.   What did you tell him about me?

 

AMANDA

Nothing. Don’t flatter yourself….  I just ….Look Elyot, I don’t want to have this conversation right now.  And not here!  Just go!

ELYOT

No way.   Not until you tell me why your new husband chose to introduce himself to me by attempting to knock my block off!...Besides, he may have come to out there and I’m not sure I’m up for a second round .

 

AMANDA

Leave!

 

ELYOT

No.

 

 

AMANDA

God, you are selfish!

 

 

ELYOT

What did you just call me? Selfish?  This from a woman who admittedly only invited me to her wedding because she thought I’d send a  gift?  And you say I have no understanding of irony…

 

AMANDA

No, I said you have no understanding of subtext!  I’ll be blunt, FUCK OFF!

 

ISAAC  SPEAKS FROM THE STALL

 

ISAAC

How much longer is this gonna last? It’s hot in here.

 

ELYOT

What the Hell?! Who is that?

 

AMANDA

Jesus CHRIST!  Alright fine, come on out, join the party!

ISAAC SLINKS OUT OF THE STALL. HE’S DRESSED “HIPSTER CHIC” AND HIS SHIRT IS BUTTONED CROOKED. HE IS UNAWARE OF THE LIPSTICK SMEARED ACROSS HIS FACE.

 

ISAAC

Hey Mandy…I’m sorry.  It’s just really stuffy in that stall and I-

 

ELYOT

Who the hell are you?

 

AMANDA

He’s Victor’s brother, Isaac.  Isaac this is Elyot my… friend from college.

 

ISAAC

Hey bro… nice moves! I’ve never seen anybody drop my brother with one punch. He’s a beast!

 

ISAAC TAKES OUT A HIP FLASK AND OFFERS IT TO ELYOT. ELYOT IGNORES IT

 

ELYOT

The groom’s brother?  Really Amanda? Really?

 

AMANDA

It’s complicated.

 

ELYOT

It’s pathological!  How old is he?

 

ISAAC

Hey, I’m in the room! ….And I’m  19… and half.

 

ELYOT

Let me get this straight…While I’m dodging punches from your husband of less than 2 hours, you are here in the ladies room banging his baby brother? A man who is not only your legal relative at this point but who still measures his age in fractions?

 

ISAAC

Hey! We weren’t actually doing it…Yet.

 

AMANDA

You are not helping.  This is mostly your fault anyway,  if you weren’t texting me constantly none of this would have ever happened.

 

SHE HANDS HIM A TISSUE TO WIPE HIS FACE

 

ELYOT

Wait a minute….What does this little incest-fest have to do with me nearly getting my clock cleaned in front of the raw bar? How long has this been going on?

 

AMANDA/ISAAC

Not Long./Six months

 

AMANDA

Which is NOT LONG!  Anyway, I was going to end it…

 

ISAAC

What!

AMANDA

But Isaac kept sending me these text messages. And then last night Victor wanted to use my phone at the rehearsal dinner…

 

ISAAC

Oh. Woops…

 

AMANDA

Yeah, woops.  He sent me a doozy. Telling me how much he loved me and how stupid I was to be getting married after all we had together…

 

ISAAC

I was a little drunk. I do think I should get points for not using my own phone!

 

AMANDA

Yeah right, you’re a genius…Anyway, I had to think fast so I told Victor that the messages were from you. I never expected that you’d actually show up today!

 

 

 

 

ELYOT

I did RSVP!! (PAUSE) Ok, so now I understand why Vic wasn’t overjoyed to make my acquaintance. But what’s with you sneaking off to the Ladies lounge with baby Huey here while your husband is out cold on the buffet table?

 

AMANDA

I needed to explain what was going on. And I was going to break it off.

 

ELYOT POINTS TO ISAACS UNDONE ZIPPER

 

 

ELYOT

Well, that was success.

 

ISAAC

What can I say? I’m a little bit irresistible. It’s my boyish charm.

 

ELYOT

No, it’s Amanda’s inability to be satisfied with anything she has. You’re just “that guy”. If it wasn’t you, it’d be someone else…

 

AMANDA

Elyot, that’s not fair…or true.

 

ELYOT

Yes it is.  You always want more. More money, more success, more men…

 

ISAAC

I thought this guy was your friend! Ouch!

 

AMANDA

Shut up!

 

ELYOT

Well Amanda, fine.  You thought I’d “send a nice gift”…and I did- there’s a big box from Tiffany’s with a lovely and heartfelt card currently waiting with your doorman-. But maybe you need something a little more practical. Ok, I’m going to take this bullet for you…

 

AMANDA

Oh Elyot, I can’t stand it when you’re “noble”. It’s like you’re wearing someone else’s clothes. .…Just go. I’ll clean this mess up myself.

 

ELYOT

Ok. Will do. Best wishes on the nuptials. I hope you enjoy the gift….It’s a punchbowl.  There’s a gift receipt in the box. Come on Isaac, I’ll let you score some bonus points with your family by throwing me out. It’ll be great…I’ll even cry a little!....You might want to rebutton your shirt first.

 

THEY GO. AMANDA TAKES A MOMENT AND FIXES HER MAKEUP A FINAL TIME .  SHE SUDDENLY NOTICES THE LARGE DIAMOND RING ON HER LEFT HAND. IT’S PRETTY. SHE LIKES IT, BUT SHE SLIDES IT OFF, WRAPS IT IN A TISSUE AND DROPS IT INTO HER EVENING BAG. SHE EXITS WITH DETERMINATION.

 

THE END