This was a little piece inspired by the song in the posted video. It was, of course, written for a New Years Eve themed evening of short plays. I don't have any pictures of it for some reason, but it featured a delightful actress named Marguerite Stimpson (who recently shared the stage with Bradley Cooper!) and a slightly less delightful actor, myself. This was a last minute substitution as the actor for whom the piece was written, Joshua Coomer, developed a raging case of pinkeye and was unable to go on! It's probably not my best work, but I'm very sentimental about it. I recommend listening to the song while you read...
A ROOFTOP IN MANHATTAN. NIGHT. ROBERT ENTERS.
HE IS DRINKING CHAMPANGE OUT OF A BOTTLE. HE WALKS TO THE
EDGE AND SPENDS A FEW MOMENTS JUST STARING OUT AT THE CITY BELOW. AFTER A BIT,
HE CHECKS HIS WATCH AND SLOWLY BEGINS TO REMOVE HIS COAT AND SHOES. HE EMPTIES
HIS POCKETS, MAKING A NEAT ROW OF THEIR CONTENTS; A WALLET, SOME KEYS, AN
ENVELOPE, AND A VELVET RING BOX. THERE IS A METICULOUS, UNHURRIED, AIR TO HIS
MOVEMENTS AS HE FOLDS HIS COAT AND ARRANGES THESE THINGS. HE TAKES ANOTHER DEEP
SWIG FROM THE BOTTLE AND CLIMBS ONTO THE LEDGE; HE IS OBVIOUSLY PREPARING TO
JUMP. HE CHECKS HIS WATCH AGAIN.
SUDDENLY, MAIZEY ENTERS. SHE IS DRESSED FOR A PARTY AND HAS
OBVIOUSLY HAD A BIT TO DRINK. SHE IS BAREFOOT AND CARRYING A FLASHLIGHT. NOT
NOTICING ROBERT SHE BEGINS TO SEARCH FOR SOMETHING. SHE COMES ACROSS ROBERT’S
ARRANGEMENT OF OBJECTS AND STOPS. THEN SHE NOTICES ROBERT.
MAIZEY
Oh hey!
THIS STARTLES ROBERT AND HE BRIEFLY LOSES HIS BALANCE.
MAIZEY IS OBLIVIOUS
MAIZEY
Have you seen a pair of shoes?
ROBERT
Excuse me?
MAIZEY
A pair of shoes.
Silver, strappy…ridiculous heel!
ROBERT
Uh, no, no I haven’t. Sorry.
MAIZEY
Are you sure? I’m positive I didn’t have them with me when
we went downstairs earlier. They have to be up here! I mean, I hope they are.
They’re not mine. I mean, I was WEARING them but I sort of borrowed them from
my roommates closet without asking her. They’re probably really expensive, I
mean I KNOW they are because she’s like some CRAZY shoe person. She will KILL me.
ROBERT
Nope, no shoes here.
MAIZEY
I’m sorry, I hate to be a pill, but could you just help me
look for a minute? I want to get back downstairs to the party before midnight.
ROBERT
Yeah, I’m sort of busy right now. I’m trying to get a few
things done before midnight myself.
MAIZEY
Is this your stuff?
ROBERT
Yes, yes it is.
MAIZEY
Well, you better not leave it all spread out like this. It’s
dark up here and you’ll probably forget something when you go back down. Let
me-
ROBERT
Please don’t touch that!
HE JUMPS DOWN FROM THE LEDGE.
I’m sorry. It’s just…Where were you standing when you last
had your shoes.
MAIZEY
I don’t really know…Hey it’s really cold can I just throw
your coat on for a sec?
ROBERT WILL AGREE TO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING TO GET RID OF HER.
HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
ROBERT
Sure. Fine. Whatever.
Now where were you when you last had the shoes.
MAIZEY
Well, we all came up here to look at the lights…I think
Karen’s brother just wanted to smoke some weed actually. Karen can’t stand that
stuff! She says it reminds her too much of college and
Who wants to remember THAT you know? Because she was really fat, well
not really fat, but definitely sort of chunky and REALLY awkward! Do you know Karen? She lives in 12 A?
ROBERT
No.
MAIZEY
Oh, I figured you might because I assume you live in the
building. Anyway, it’s her party and…
ROBERT HAS ALMOST REACHED THE END OF HIS ROPE.
ROBERT
Shoes!?
MAIZEY
Oh. Yes. Sorry. I think we were looking toward New
Jersey…Yes, definitely because Chad, that’s Karen’s brother- nice guy, but a
typical frat boy, was pointing out the
palisades. And he was getting a little handsey
so I cut out and went back down.
ROBERT
Then you must have been over there. This side looks out on
Queens.
HE GLANCES AT HIS WATCH AGAIN AND TAKES THE FLASHLIGHT FROM
HER AND HEADS OVER IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. MAIZEY HAS NOTICED THE RINGBOX AND
OPENS IT. SHE HASTELY RETURNS IT TO THE “ARRANGEMENT”. A MOMENT LATER ROBERT
RETURNS CARRYING THE SHOES.
MAIZEY
Oh thank GOD!!!! Now I won’t have to move out of my
apartment in the middle of the night and change my name!! Fantastic! Thank you
so much, oh wow, I didn’t even get your name. Sorry, I was raised better than
that I’m Maizey Duncan.
ROBERT
Robert, Robert Canfield .
MAIZEY
Well, thank you very much Mr. Canfield for assisting this
“damsel in distress”. I’ll just let you
get back to what you were doing. Good luck!
ROBERT
I’m sorry?
MAIZEY
I think it’s VERY sweet. I’m sure she’s going to be one
happy lady!
ROBERT STARES BLANKLY.
Okay, I saw the ring. And the champagne. Although, I think
you probably should have waited till she got here to open it. Champagne doesn’t
really need to “breathe”. Actually, I
don’t even know what that means, do you? Anyway I’ll just nip back down to my
party before I run into her on the stairs…I hope she gets here before the ball
drops! Congratulations in advance!
SHE GOES, STILL WEARING HIS COAT. HE NOTICES, BUT MAKES NO EFFORT
TO STOP HER. HE CHECKS HIS WATCH AND CLIMBS BACK ONTO THE LEDGE. HE TAKES A FEW
DEEP BREATHS TO CALM HIMSELF. MAIZEY
CHARGES BACK IN ALREADY TALKING.
MAIZEY
Oh my God! I am a complete idiot. I am so sorry. I got
halfway down the stairs, and I realized I was still wearing your coat! Jeeze! I
really should never drink… ever. I mean I have a hard enough time keeping
things straight sober, but give me a couple of glasses of wine and I just
become a menace….interrupting marriage proposals, stealing coats. I’m just…
SHE HAS JUST NOTICED THAT ROBERT IS STANDING ON THE LEDGE
Hey, I don’t think I’d stand up there like that. It’s a hell
of a long way down.
ROBERT
I’m pretty much counting on that!
MAIZEY
What?!
ROBERT
Look, Daisy..
MAIZEY
Maizey. I know. People make that mistake all the time. I
think it’s because of the “D” in Duncan.
ROBERT
Maizey. Keep the coat. Keep it. Just go back to your party
and leave me alone. Okay?
MAIZEY
Yeah, somehow I’m pretty sure that’s not such a good idea
right now. Why don’t you just come down from there and we’ll talk.
ROBERT
I think I’m a little past the talking stage right now. This
is not just some sort of snap decision. I have been thinking about this for a
good, long while. I have been planning and organizing…
MAIZEY
Planning and organizing?
ROBERT
Yes! You know, getting my affairs in order…that kind of
thing.
MAIZEY
I never understood what that meant.
ROBERT
Bank accounts, A will…
MAIZEY
Aren’t you a little young to be thinking about a will?
HE GIVES HER A LOOK
Okay, point taken.
ROBERT
I wanted to do this in a neat, orderly, poetic fashion. As
that ball drops over there I’m going to drop over here. Boom. Done. Neat. And
on a schedule! I really hadn’t factored in extra time to account for the fact
that some aging sorority girl couldn’t keep track of her SHOES!
THERE IS A PAUSE
I’m sorry. I’m just…on a tight schedule right now.
MAIZEY
Under the circumstances, I’m going to let that slide. But if
you’re so concerned about neat and orderly there are a hell of a lot better
ways than smearing yourself all over 8th avenue. You know, someone
does have to clean that up!
ROBERT
What?!
MAIZEY
Seriously. Aside from
the fact that the act of suicide in and of itself is pretty selfish , why do
you feel the need to add to that by
ruining someone else’s day? Tomorrow is a holiday which means that someone is
going to have to come in on his day off to scrape what’s left of you off the
pavement. And that’s definitely going to be double time, which, let’s be honest
this city REALLY can’t afford right now.
ROBERT
I’m going to guess that you never volunteered at a suicide
hotline.
MAIZEY
Look, I’m just pointing out that even if you think you have
no reason left to live, that’s no reason to punish other people. And frankly,
just because the “love of your life” dumped you.
ROBERT GIVES HER A QUESTIONING LOOK
The RING! I may have gotten it wrong at first, but I’m
pretty much up to speed at this point.
Anyway, getting dumped is a lousy excuse for killing
yourself. Sure, the other person spends the rest of their life wracked with
guilt, but you aren’t around to see it. Where’s the fun in that?
THERE IS A DISTANT CHEER. THEY BOTH LOOK OUT.
Hey look! The ball is gonna beat you to it. Guess you’ll
just have to try next year.
ROBERT STEPS OFF THE LEDGE.
Atta boy Robert!
ROBERT
Just so you know, I’m not entirely sure I would have gone
through with it anyway. Don’t get some deluded idea that I owe you some big
“life debt” or anything.
MAIZEY
Oh I would never presume. You found my roommates shoes, I
helped keep you from being a pathetic news story. I think that makes us
even…. As we go two by two into the
great abyss at the end of the world.
ROBERT
Huh?
MAIZEY
I don’t know. .It just popped into my head. Felt like something I had to say. Now let’s
go downstairs and call your shrink. HE LOOKS AT HER .Honey it’s New York,
EVERYBODY has a shrink!
THEY GO
No comments:
Post a Comment